I WANT YOUR BEST MAN SPEECHES

Have you ever been a best man at a wedding? Please help me. I want your best man speeches. I am doing a few book readings at festivals and stuff soon, and I want to read out parts of anonymous best man speeches, as if they apply to people chosen from the audience completely at random. This might turn out to be a shit idea, I don't know. But I need best man speeches. I'll change names in them and everything, no one will ever know it was by you or about the groom. It'll be stripped of all context, and, quite possibly, charm and humour too. 

If you'd like to help me, for no discernible reward but my unending gratitude, please email your best man speeches to david_whitehouse@icloud.com. Thank you.